• Dr. Ethel Chiles

Singleness Is Not a Disease That Needs a Cure

I recently read through some posts, which reflected the sentiments of some single women. Specifically, they were expressing their feelings that they are sick and tired of married people giving them advice about being single. I smiled because, as much as I love my sister, I had those same debates with her. I made statements like, you don’t know how it feels to go home alone every night and you go home with a man. She gave me one of the most profound responses I will never forget. It was, “really, do you think you are single because you have no choice. You have a choice, you have decided that you won’t just settle for anything – you think you can’t have a man in your life tomorrow, of course you can but is that what you want”. Mind you, I had been single for more than years than I care to share. I realized that she was right because I was so focused on raising my son, trying to make a better life for us, getting a degree, and loving myself.

Singleness is not a disease that needs a cure. Getting married doesn’t do anything to eliminate being alone and does not guarantee you a fulfilled life. Your happiness has more to do with your relationship with God and obedience to His will. If you can manage your happiness as a single person, you can manage your happiness in a marriage. Don’t we all know someone who is in a marriage and still feel alone? Singleness does not equate to something bad or unhealthy. It is not a negative reflection of who you are because you are single. Stop defining single as unmarried or lacking a partner. Instead, see it is separate, unique, and whole, contains all components, and not divided. Until you can come to that place in your life that it is all right to be with just you and God, then how will you recognize the man as your ministry assignment from God? God may choose a person you would have never even considered or thought about. But marriage is a ministry in so many ways. Marriage is more than sex in bed, a fine man or woman on your arm, big houses, fine cars, and pretty babies. Marriage is work made worthy by the joy and satisfaction you receive as you reap and enjoy the benefits of forgiveness, love, friendship, overcoming obstacles, compromising on disagreements, and allowing God to be the center of your existence.

The place of singleness should serve as a platform to prepare you for what (who) God has ordained for you. Your singleness cannot be cured as you would an illness as you visit the doctor to get medicine. And while some of you may still say to yourself after reading this, “you are married now, you don’t understand”. Here is what I did learn during the more than 10 years that I was single, the focus of your singleness should be utilized in becoming a complete person in God. If you are not already complete in yourself, another person cannot do this for you. Finally, if you want the best, let God make the choice. When you allow any and everything in your life just to “cure singleness” you take on much more than you anticipated because your motives are misguided and reflects desperation. Do you want company or companionship? Company fulfills for the moment, companionship fulfills for a lifetime.

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